thoughts&art

2010-03-05T17:53:00.003+08:00

hello blogspot.

sorry i have been neglecting you,
but i have been busy recently
with singapore/penang.

please forgive me,
& also please forgive the fact that
i'm having an affair with
ANOTHER BLOG.

random but,
the name Virginia is meant for girls
because they sound like VAGINA?

what do you think?

2010-02-03T22:58:00.002+08:00

once again i have neglected my blog.

anyway, i started tumblr-ing a few weeks ago and fell totally in love with it, but at the same time i will still be writing personal stuffs here, my tumblr is just for my photography etc etc.

visit me on tumblr!

click here!!

2010-01-20T16:14:00.001+08:00

new stuff.

today i thought about writing,
i signed in,
then i forgot what i want to
write about.

[miao]

2010-01-18T23:34:00.000+08:00

i went from this -

to this -

[you like?]

2010-01-16T19:58:00.001+08:00

i'm not gorgeous,
my face is nothing like what you see in magazines,
or on tv.

but trust me, if i could, i would...
i would change it to something better,
something beautiful,
something everyone would like to stare at..

i'm far from perfect,
i might even not be good enough for the world.

but mark my words, if i could, i would...
i would change into a better person,
maybe an amazing person,
someone everyone would like to admire..

[too much i feel, too little i can heal]

2010-01-14T23:03:00.002+08:00

meet Joan Lin, a friend of Vnn.

& btw

i just need to express my love for ugly photographs
with captions/quotes that doesn't make sense.
they make me laugh like nothing ever has!!

wise man say,
'if you judge someone, you have no time to love them'
but wtf lol i don't want to love them.

[oh la la missing mr. sheffield]

2010-01-12T22:48:00.001+08:00

[the very recent]

2010-01-10T02:09:00.007+08:00

(please click to enlarge and sorry for the crappy quality)

the tissue above was a gift from a tree killer from
my previous trip to 'Uniquely Singapore',
truly unique. lol

weird weird weird
weird weird weird
weird weird weird

to avoid more weird stuffs, bad pickup line, and awkward dates,
i have included a boyfriend application form in this post :)

the boyfriend application form is easy, convenient and fast.
and really, past applicants are full of bullshit so i really
hope you can make the effort to be honest.

so yeah, IF you are interested, please complete the below
and remember to attach a recent photo (no photoshop please)
of yourself and send it to :

terrence.sep@gmail.com
____________________

What Would You do if...

1. I pissed you off:
2. I touched your ass:
3. I dropped your favorite gadget:
4. I got in a fight and you were there:
5. I cried:

What Do You Think Of My...

1. Clothes:
2. Voice:
3. Humor:
4. Choice of music:
5. Manners:

OTHER:

1. Do you like the beach? if so, why:
2. Would you watch the movie that i picked even if you didnt want to?:
3. If we're not watching movie, what would we be doing?:
4. Would you give me kisses just because?:
5. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10? :

Would You...

1. Lie to make me feel better:
2. Talk to your friends about me:
3. Make a snack for me at 2 am:
4. Keep a secret if I told you one:
5. Love me unconditionally:

[the last sentence on the tissue, "DO YOU LIKE_________"?]

2010-01-09T00:40:00.000+08:00

facebook asks me - what's on your mind?

1. i feel like an idiot.
2. i blew it, the love, the opportunity, the sex.
3. i'm tired of dreaming.
4. i no longer want to take pictures.
5. i want to sleep!
6. i want to move to thailand then put my butt up for sale

[feeling unloved and excuse me while i smoke myself to death]

2010-01-03T15:46:00.002+08:00

last year, i....

took 27 flights (business class twice)
had dinner in the sky twice (bangkok's state tower)
fell in love then fell out.
got inked.
changed my hair color 3 times.
bungy jumped twice (one in krabi and one in macau)
spent my birthday with someone i loved.
baked many times.
sang on stage for the very first time.
had balcony sex.
discovered the power of pussy (not literally)

and this year, i will...

work work work.
meet the man of my life.
have sex during a snowstorm.
go to europe and get some eyes rolling to the back experiences.
spend my birthday on a boat.
experience winter in both china and japan.
get my nipple pierced.
quit smoking.
get better sleep.

[i slept well last night, oh no, i didn't]

2010-01-01T18:49:00.003+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[reading your blog and swallowing vomit]

2009-12-28T22:40:00.000+08:00

i can't remember when was the last time i spent 2 hours on a train, i kinda like that you know. headphones on, favorite song on repeat, looking out the window and see nothing. it's usually times like that when i think most. i think very deeply about recent events, and of course the past.

and you know what i realized? i realized no matter how unhappy my single life makes me, having a boyfriend would not help now. i think i have already forgotten how it feels like to have a boyfriend, how it feels like to share a bed with someone... and it's like, i spent so many nights alone already, and to have someone sleeping next to me, uhm.. i don't know :S

there are two types of people in this world, those who come over or booked a room for that few seconds of final explosion, then leave. and there are those who make love for love, then cuddle, spoon for the rest of the night and wake up the next morning for second round. and if you ask me, i'll pick the cuddling and spooning after making love of course, but what if you don't have choice? you either go to sleep alone and wake up alone, or spend a night with a stranger whoring in some sleazy hotel room lying on revolting sheets wondering how many hookers have died on it.

but isn't it just sad? you know the whole " we meet-i suck you-you suck me-i fuck you-you fuck me-i cum-you cum-bye-bye " thing just sad? there's really like no meaning to it?! ( i really can just say one-night-stand it's cuter with the extra details, just in case underages are reading and they don't know the term one-night-stand)

i lost count on how many nights i woke up either because i thought there was a ghost in my room, or thunder and i wish i had someone with me, someone to hug me and tell me it's okay. but i'm guessing whatever imaginary friends we have up there does not hear my prayers? i always end up crying alone with all the lights on (if there's no blackout after the thunder) and only sleep after the sun shines.

anyways, i made a dumb move on christmas, and i want to smack myself with a pan now. please give me another chance?
[monged from stupid made in china buttless cigs]

2009-12-27T21:04:00.005+08:00

so, i've been writing about nothing but paragraphs of meaningless words and i figured it's time i post something out from my heart, soul and mind.

for the past few weeks, i have been thinking alot to myself what's gonna happen staying in singapore, i had discussions about the situation with a few good friends, and after the talking, compromising and arguing, i still don't know, all i know is, i need this :S

other than that, i'm also thinking about how many times in and out of love, the wrong ones i kicked (and peed on), and the right ones i cheated. and i'm starting to feel like a jerk.

yes i am single. and yes, i want to give love and i want to be loved. and i don't need a perfect boyfriend, cause i'm not perfect, it's not that i'm super good looking, i'm not like.. super brilliant.. and if my boyfriend is this flawless gentleman, i'd be wondering why is he with me. all i need is a man, a man who treats me as his lover, not his captive, a man who treats me like a queen, not his trophey.

someone once told me, “expect the unexpected,” and i did believe it. it was all good until it backfired on me dramatically. i can’t even ask people for help. when is it my turn to be happy once more? this whole “looking for a relationship” feels like a rollercoaster. one minute your happy, the next minute your sad. i want off that rollercoaster already. i just wanna stay happy.

and recently i have been thinking about this man i was in love with, oh no wait, this man i am still very much in love with, and it's just very confusing, that after all the lying, manipulating and cheating we both did, i still think about him so much. we were suppose to try to love, but all we did was fighting and trying to hurt each other, and now i think i'm done, cause my sleep itself has become an impossible dream all because of guilt, despair, mortality and paralyzing fear. and i'm starting to wonder about that man, who is almost double my age, whether does he feel any remorse at all?

you know, it's funny, how many days has already turned into weeks, and how many weeks has turned into months, and here i am still writing and thinking about this man. and what's even more funnier is, he never once fail to make me cry, and that is exactly how weak i am to him.

all these thinking did me good, i think. cause now i realized that i would trade everything i own, and give everything i will ever have, for just one day as his lover, not captive.

right now, i feel like i just lost someone i started giving in for. no responses or anything. was it just a long dream? i still ponder that.

well, i’m done speaking my mind out right now. i still have more thinking to do, just so little time to even say it out loud.

[oh terry pull yourself together! stop the tears!]

2009-12-25T22:49:00.002+08:00

oh heartache, can you not come today?
it's Christmas and i just want to be happy.

[not happy but MERRY CHRISTMAS to ya'll]

2009-12-23T23:37:00.000+08:00

oh i love this picture.
and thank you fanny sin for all these :)

[very very very happy]

2009-12-21T22:21:00.000+08:00

i feel your hands in my hair.
i feel your breath on my neck.
i feel your body pressed so close to mine.
i feel your lips on my throat.
i feel your hands move to my back and your lips work their way up to mine.
i feel you and i love it.

i hear you say you love me.
i hear you whisper my name.
i hear you tell me i'm the only one for you.
i hear your breath in my ear.
i hear your soft snores as i fall asleep.
i hear you and i love it.

i see you as i run into your arms.
i see your face break through my world of darkness.
i see you fight away my fears.
i see you wipe away my tears.
i see you're in love with me.
i see you and i love it.

i taste your lips.
i taste your tongue.
i taste your throat as i kiss it.
i taste your love.
i taste your passion.
i taste you and i love it.

i smell your cologne as i hold you.
i smell your shampoo as i hug you.
i smell your toothpaste as i kiss you.
i smell your excitement as you cuddle me.
i smell the smell i've been waiting so long to smell.
i smell you and i love it.

i feel you.
i hear you.
i see you.
i taste you.
i smell you.
i do all these things and i love it.

i'm finally with you.
you're finally here.
i love it.
i love you.

[love you long time]

2009-12-19T17:33:00.001+08:00

[ i want this too :( i don't think the eel thing is a good idea though ]

2009-12-18T19:15:00.008+08:00

recently,

i've been Twitter-ing. so follow me if you like :)
i've been shooting, & uhm.. will upload the photos soon?
i've been getting ready to leave for a new adventure,
i've finally learnt how to see who my real friends are,
i'm still looking for that special someone.

& this is me, recently -

[the weather is so gloomy *hugging zoey*]

2009-12-17T18:26:00.002+08:00

hello you,

you made this so easy for me,
thanks for reminding me you're not worth it,
and thank you, cause i'm happy :)

i've moved on, you should too :)

terrence

[you don't deserve me]

2009-12-16T02:44:00.003+08:00

i love you,
not only for what you are,
but for what i am,
when i am with you.

[» roy croft]

2009-12-15T02:28:00.005+08:00

i miss you! i miss you!
[32 more minutes!]

2009-12-14T02:19:00.004+08:00

the reason people find it
so hard to be happy is that
they always see the past
better than it was,
the present worse than it is,
and the future less resolved
than it will be.

[» marcel pagnol]

2009-12-12T22:18:00.008+08:00

i'm back :)
and
all i want for christmas is -

this pair of shoe i saw in bangkok from Hermes :)

and hehe, i'm sooo looking forward
for my first confirmed christmas gift -

thank you :)

and oh oh oh,
3 weeks for me to find a boyfriend,
or next year's resolution will be same as last's.

[please uncle santa :)]

2009-12-05T19:07:00.002+08:00

christmas is just around the corner!!
who wants to be kissing me under the mistletoe this year?

i unleashed my creativity on zoey baby too :)
i hope you like this :3

[bahhhh... off to dinner]

2009-12-04T23:53:00.003+08:00

thank you vnn :)

visit my flickr for more!

2009-12-03T18:52:00.000+08:00

i so wanna eat him :)

the highlight of the day - hairiest woman in penang.

and yes andrea was my slave for a day :)
she play with worms.

[byebye]

2009-12-01T23:41:00.001+08:00

just for a good laugh :)
(please click on photo to enlarge)

[goodnight :3]

2009-11-28T02:20:00.001+08:00

i choose to not love you,
i choose to not think of you,
i choose to not miss you,

but loving you, thinking of you,
and missing you, is never a choice.

[but fuck you, fuck you very very much]

2009-11-26T17:17:00.004+08:00

one very common creature
you can find in penang-

backstabbing friends

it happens to lots of people, i have experienced it,
i know others who have as well. it's weird,
you think they're your friends. then, out of no where,
you feel that cold steel blade sink through your skin
and tissues right into your back. they tell you it wasn't
them who did it, you find out that they lied, and you
can feel the blade still sticking out of your back. then they
leave you wounded on the side the road, go and find
someone else that will do what you did. eventually after
you've been cleaned up, and taken to a nice warm dry place,
they apologize, and you accept it and forgive them.
as you do that you hand them back their blade.
you trust that they won't use it again,
but you know in the back of your mind,
that it's bound to happen again.
yet for some reason you still have
that little glimmer of hope.

i mean, you're friends again,
this time you just hope it lasts.
but yet again before you expect it,
that cold steel blade is sinking into your back again,
and the whole process starts over.

there's only one way to stop it,
to cut those 'friends' out of your life before
they completely destroy you. cause if you don't,
they could end up controlling more of your
life then you want them to. you just have to
decide if that little bit of friendship between
blades is worth risking.

the ones who are NOT your real friends
are the ones who stabbed you and left you
for dead on the side of a dirt road.

the ones who ARE your real friends
are the ones who picked you up,
dusted you off, got you cleaned up,
are cared for you when you were down.

and one final point i'm trying to make here,
if you people out there can spend 30 minutes
backstabbing someone, why can't you use that
30 minutes to improve your own life?

[statement made]

2009-11-25T02:35:00.003+08:00

[goodnight]

2009-11-23T23:57:00.000+08:00

i want to write my heart out,
i want to open my soul.
i want to share my thoughts with you,
but i am not so bold.

i don't want to write sad stuff,
but i really don't know where
to put the big mass of feelings.
and feelings...
can i not have them at all?
can i not think of you, at all?

[none of them is gonna go away]

2009-11-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

if i don’t call you
[ it's because i’m waiting for you to call me ]
when i walk away from you mad
[ follow me ]
when i stare at your lips
[ kiss me ]
when i push you or hit you
[ grab me and don’t let go ]
when i start cussing at you
[ kiss me and tell me you love me ]
when i’m quiet
[ ask me what’s wrong ]
when i ignore you
[ give me your attention ]
when i pull away
[ pull me back ]
when you see me at my worst
[ tell me i’m beautiful ]
when you see me start crying
[just hold me and don’t say a word ]
when you see me walking
[ sneak up and hug my waist from behind ]
when i’m scared
[ protect me ]
when i lay my head on your shoulder
[ tilt my head up and kiss me (if you want to) ]
when i tease you
[ tease me back and make me laugh ]
when i don’t answer for a long time
[ reassure me that everything is okay ]
when i look at you with doubt
[ back yourself up ]
when i say that i like you
[ i really do more than you could understand ]
when i grab at your hands
[ hold mine and play with my fingers ]
when i bump into you
[ bump into me back and make me laugh ]
when i tell you a secret
[ keep it safe and untold ]
when i look at you in your eyes
[ don’t look away until i do ]
when i miss you
[ i’m hurting inside ]
when you break my heart
[ the pain never really goes away ]
when i say its over
[ i still want you to be mine ]

[and is that too much?]

2009-11-21T07:29:00.000+08:00

there is so much of me that is yours only,
and i wish i had the courage to tell you.

i know it's not gonna be easy,
it's going to be really hard,
i'm gonna have to work at this everyday,
but i want to do that because i want you.
i want all of you, everyday.
like you and me... everyday.

[counting days until i see you again]

2009-11-20T23:28:00.000+08:00

let's have some fun this beat is sick,
wanna take a ride on your crisco stick.

[goodnight]

2009-11-19T01:59:00.002+08:00

nix doing his tricks and me looking
like a fan more than a photographer.

the result from sweating, skin-cancer
risking,and minutes of feeding mosquitoes.

[happy birthday you, and i still hate you.]

2009-11-17T14:11:00.000+08:00

I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THE HEAT!

gimme rain?

2009-11-15T23:39:00.000+08:00

more to come in maybe 3 days.

[back to being lazy.]

2009-11-14T23:09:00.001+08:00

ahem, this is what happen when the
daredevil terrence seah sees a cockroach.
photo taken by AJ, who also locked me
in the room while i scream like crazy.

i wonder will Star papers pay me
50bucks if i send them this picture?
they can publish it under their
'picture of the day'
and they can title it
'when a homo saw a roach'

2009-11-12T21:39:00.002+08:00

love be still, love be sweet
don’t you dare change a thing
i want to photograph you with my mind
to feel how i feel now… all the time...

2009-11-11T01:48:00.008+08:00

my first time meeting Stephanie Poh was lovely,
but my first time taking a ride with her was -

please

scroll

down.

and her first photo taken by me was -

she can still pose for the camera.
how cute is that?lol.

ok back to soap!

[i need sex]

2009-11-08T20:01:00.006+08:00

my first kiss totally sucked eww..
it's like...wasn't even a kiss.
i was terrified..
and i can still feel his saliva on my face eww..
it was like...yesterday.
i wish i were one of these kids,
they're all so adorable.

2009-11-06T01:23:00.002+08:00

i was smoking outside just awhile ago and that's
usually when funny thoughts runs through my mind,
i began thinking, am i gonna be like alone into my 30s?
or worse, 40s? and and when i'm like 40 and wrinkly,
is there still love for me? :S

i see friends on facebook creating photo albums
titled 1st anniversary, 2nd anniversary,
5th anniversary... and the ewww-est guy i know
just got married like a month ago (another knocked-up case)
and i can't help but to wonder am i gonna be living
alone into my 50s and die eaten by my pets?

grrrrr... oh my brain can you just die for a few hours?!

i've always been a fan of mushy, corny, but romantic quotes.
i admit i'm an emotional wreck who can easily cry
over small little things.. and at times, i feel so much
like a fool for being so passive up to the point that i don't
do anything when people do cruel things to me,
betrayal etc etc.. :S

i was looking at quotes by nicholas sparks
today and i found this :

"Do you love me?" I asked her.

"Yes." Then she smiled.

"Do you want me to be happy?"
As i asked her this i felt my heart beginning to race.

"Of course I do."

"Will you do something for me then?'
She looked away, sadness crossing her features.

"I dont know if i can anymore." She said.

"But if you could, would you?'
I cannot adequately describe the intensity of
what I was feeling at that moment. Love, anger,
sadness, hope, and fear, whirling together sharpened
by the nervousness I was feeling. She looked at me
curiously any my breaths became shallower.
Suddenly I knew that I'd never felt as strongly
for another person as I did at that moment.

As I returned her gaze, this simple realization made me
wish for the millionth time that I could make all this go away.
Had it been possible, I would have traded my life for hers.
I wanted to tell her my thoughts, but the sound of her
voice suddenly silenced the emotions inside me.

"I'd do anything for you."
She finally said, her voice weak yet
somehow still full of promise.

"I would."

Finally getting control of myself i kissed her again,
then brought my hand to her face, gently running
my fingers over her cheek. I marveled at the
softness of her skin, the gentleness I saw in her eyes.
Even now she was perfect. My throat began to
tighten again, but as I said, I knew what I had to do.
Since I had to accept that it was not within my
power to cure her, what I wanted to do was give
her something that she'd wanted. It was what
my heart had been telling me to do all along.

She and I understood then, had already given me
the answer I'd been searching for, the answer my
heart needed to find. She'd told me outside Mr. Jenkins
office, the night we'd asked him about doing the play.

I smiled softly, and she returned my affection with
a slight squeeze of my hand, as if trusting me
in what I was about to do.

Encouraged, I leaned closer and took a deep breath.
when I exhaled, these were the words that flowed
with my breath.

"Will you marry me?"

[5 seconds after the sudden goosebumps i
was sitting in front of the computer crying
like a baby.]

2009-11-05T16:36:00.000+08:00

i really just want you :(

2009-11-04T01:25:00.002+08:00

fact 1 -
i killed this ew ew ew ew creature with a magazine
but i still can't stop hyperventilating and
i still feel it's ghost wriggling around me.

fact 2 -
zoey is not gonna be anywhere near me until
she finish chewing on 3792569124569 greenies.

fact 3 -
i can't go anywhere near the crime scene,
it's just too horrible to look at.

i hate my life,
ew ew ew,
please let me die.

2009-11-03T01:58:00.003+08:00

i am
sex deprived,
gimme a cucumber.

2009-11-01T12:04:00.008+08:00

you

are

totally

out

of

your

mind

if you think you've done a right thing,
cause the truth is, you're nothing but a
betrayer, liar, pathetic little soul who used me
and i feel sorry for myself for ever being nice to you.

excuse me for lowering my standard but,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

[*exhales* i feel better and i blow you a kiss]

2009-10-31T00:07:00.009+08:00

penang is so like a never-ending soap opera,
with ugly casts and bad acting,
but more backstabbing/catfights/drama
than any soap aired on tv.

ew ew ew ew ew.

can you people die not talking about other people?

[fuck you people, i wish you all burn in hell with the cockroaches]

2009-10-29T10:47:00.005+08:00

i'm sorry i'm the type of 'since i'm not your everything,
i'll be nothing' person.

[it's not me, it's all you]

2009-10-27T22:21:00.006+08:00

emotions are strange things,
they make you do unthinkable actions.

they are solely yours,
yet you seem to have no control over them.

emotions drive you crazy,
they make you happy.

they determine the outlook of your day,
and they play part in every choice.

emotions make you long,
emotions make you hurt.

emotions make you go,
emotions make you stay.

emotions play with your head,
making you think absurd things.

emotions make you do things
you will never regret.

sometimes, i wished i'm this cold/frigid
person who doesn't feel, you know the
type who doesn't care, the type who
doesn't get hurt.

but oh well, i am born too emotional,
and i'm not happy about it.
________

i fucking fucking love this soap!!

2009-10-26T19:47:00.003+08:00

a day in the life of terrence seah :

[7am - up crying after 2 hours of sleep]
[0715am - ciggie 1]
[0730am - came online]
[0800am - water then ciggie 2]
[0810am - chatted with karla]
[0830am - ciggie 3]
[0900am - x factor]
[0930am - thinking thinking thinking]
[10am - ciggie 4]
[1015am - online]
[1030am - shave]
[1045am - got into a topic about pathetic men and porn with karla and ciggie 5 came along]
[11am - webcam/skype]
[1145am - thinking thinking thinking]
[12pm - still not hungry after 2 days]
[1230pm - ciggie 6]
[13pm - i'm starting with the man in the mirror......]
[1330pm - still in front of my computer]
[14pm - wanted to shower]
[1430pm - ciggie 7 and have not showered]
[1440pm - says to himself while smoking 'i'm really gonna die'. then really off to shower]
[1510pm - called a cab, tons of errands to run]

pathetic yes :)

2009-10-25T04:51:00.001+08:00

how many scarred hearts out there are still hurting i wonder,
cause mine is still aching, and it's whole new kinda of pain.

they say however long the night, the dawn will break,
but i'm getting tired of waiting for the dawn in me to break,
cause it's like no matter how hard i try, it's just not happening.

call me a lost soul,
call me messed up,
call me complicated,

cause i won't argue, i am all the above.

so what do i do now?
can someone either hold my hand or slit my throat?

2009-10-22T10:36:00.000+08:00

i finally had the time to write,
oh wait, no.

2009-10-14T14:36:00.011+08:00

anyone planning to abandon a 'baby sister'?
contact the above :)
i should consider calling the number above and offer some advice, it's not that much of a challenge to make a 'baby sister' lol.

i was photographed yesterday and i so fell in love with this -

photographed by Ian Knight at Bangkok Arts and Culture Center.
p/s - you don't really need to squint your eyes for this one.

[getting ready to bang the kok a little bit more]

2009-10-13T01:15:00.000+08:00

[ the song says it all, i am so tired :( ]

2009-10-12T18:56:00.007+08:00

i know i haven't been writing alot, i can't even remember when was the last time i signed in here, and karla's been telling me our foodblog is dying.

it's hard you know, to think of something to write, at the same time, it's hard not to write... it's a lot like loooooooong & excruciating childbirth. i just want this thing out, my vagina hurts.

i recently started a foodblog with karla, and other than putting my face there, i wrote nothing yet. and i actually thought i have something in my mind this afternoon, but i guess not.

check it out -

noob-cooks!

it has been more than a week since i got here in bangkok, and i found many many reasons why i can't work and live here, they are (not in order) -

1. street food (i'll be on my way to a 90'' waist if i stay here more than 3 months)
2. super super cheap shopping (i'll end up eating noodles by the 10th of every month)
3. cute guys (no more adultery terry, no more!)

so yeah, i'd either die of STD, poverty, or obesity. so i guess i'll look for opportunity elsewhere.

here's a current picture of myself, karla says i look buff :) so if you squint your eyes a little bit, i look like a man.

next, i'm updating my flickr gallery :)

[bangcock-ing]

2009-10-05T01:36:00.000+08:00

très loin là-bas, quelqu’un parle aux étoiles
dites lui que je l’aime,
et que nos prières se croisent

2009-09-25T01:26:00.009+08:00

i don't need you to make my dreams come true,
but i need to know you want to make my dreams come true.

[i hate you]

2009-09-20T03:10:00.004+08:00

eyes closed, i can hear the almost silent tap of rain. it's soft call makes my heart ache painfully. i'm walking outside, engulfed in the mist. droplets of water coming in contact with my skin. i wish the water can wash away all my sins and take back what happened between you and i.
all the things i said and did...

it's not that i regret you, but sadly you regret me, i feel like i'm trapped in what we used to be, struggling to move on... and the rain is the fine line between the past and the future. sopping wet hair hides all my glorious shame, torn apart and shattered on the inside.

sitting here with agony on one side and anguish on the other, i don't love you anymore but i can't forget you. my heart beats to the rythym of someone else's... though I dare not reveal my hidden feelings...

solitude weighs down my heart as the rain continues.
puddles of water conjure my memories of you,
and they reflect my pathetic lonely self.

but despite all the hurting and the melancholy thoughts,
despite the bittersweet tears of the clouds that fall endlessly,
i must admit i love walking in the rain,
because no one will know i'm crying.

[missing you, but i don't like missing you]

2009-09-16T01:42:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I just need to cry,
for reasons unknown,
but sometimes I know why.
In today's world you must keep things inside,
you can't let it show,
you must let it hide.
Then when you're alone with no one to please,
you can cry a river,
you can let yourself bleed.

I only want some consistency, too much?

[confused&depressed]

2009-09-15T01:09:00.002+08:00

The lovely Sara Tan :)

You might remember her from my previous shoots - Jeslin

One of my fav people to shoot - Twins

Shots from last weekend. It's classified as 'finished shots' because I couldn't look at it anymore lol.

Alot of effort, and a lot of unfortunate moments, but managed to recovered some of the shots. Lost like maybe 50% of the pictures :(

It's not easy shooting 3 people with different look in one day, not to mention I have to help out with the make-up and hair. But I'm happy, I'm happy with the recovered shots.

Toodles

2009-09-14T02:05:00.000+08:00

Sneak peak from last weekend's shoot :)

2009-09-12T21:52:00.003+08:00

softly moans the warming breeze,
softly moves the young palm trees,
softly cries the calming seas,
and yet it is still, just me.

[miss you]

2009-09-10T14:40:00.002+08:00

question -

is there a problem with me?
have i not showed enough affection?

2009-09-07T23:30:00.002+08:00

Talking about someone special :)

2009-09-06T01:18:00.002+08:00

i stop accepting friend request on facebook from people i don't know no matter how many mutual friends we have, so if you are interested, make the effort to send a message and say hi. it takes less than 5 minutes. for now, i just wished i could fucking make the effort to delete people i don't know!

i love,
i have loved,
i will love.

- Audrey Niffeneggar

2009-09-02T23:15:00.005+08:00

I'm hooked. So hooked.
Get the book, or read online, you'll be hooked too! And I cant wait for the movie, I can't wait to see my hubby Eric Bana.

*salavating*

I've been posting too many words and too little pictures, I know.

Here's one :)

I know I do not have the brightest and straight-est teeth in the world, so don't remind me lol. And what is wrong with me and my cheesy smile these days.

Thank you Fanny 'Laling' for this photo with baby Zoey :)

Toodles.

Miss you, miss you, miss you,
miss you, miss you, miss you,
miss you, miss you, miss you,
miss you, miss you, miss you,
miss you, miss you, miss you.

2009-09-01T21:45:00.001+08:00

One of those months again.

And this year, I'm sleeping alone, with the lights on lol.

Night night.

2009-08-30T01:15:00.002+08:00

It was a warm night, and the city streets were empty. I was sitting in the cab, outside the window were funky ethnic restaurants, and convenient stores with oversized signs.

Typical Singapore.

I was amazed at how short the journey was at this time of the night. I wanted to ask the driver to slow down, I don't want to be there yet. I was nervous, I can't focus..

I arrived at the bus stop opposite his home at exactly half past twelve.

I stood there, not wanting to call him, no, I wanted to, I'm just wasn't ready to, not just yet. Not after all the arguments we've had, all the harsh words we've exchanged, not after what I've gone through since that dreadful day.

I sat down, and lit a cigarette. He always hated my smoking habit, so I reminded myself to chew on some mints before I see him.

I haven't seen him in awhile, and I've missed him. I can't wait to see him again, but why the nerves when I'm actually opposite his house knowing he's waiting?

Very often, I have no idea of what it would feel like when I got exactly what I desired. Now, I'm so close to getting it, my body becomes uncomfortable, and I can't help but think that something is wrong. I try, and try to convince myself that is part of human nature that we want something and at the same time are afraid of having it.

And finally, I kicked away the fear, the what would happen if that happened, and anything else I can think of that keeps me in fear.

I crossed the road, open the small gate, and rang the doorbell instead . Waited for less than a minute.

And there he was, standing in front of me.

My heart flipped.

He was a little thinner and older than before, far more serious than I could ever remember.

We smiled at each other, wondering if the correct form was to kiss or to shake hands. Instead he patted me on the arm and I flicnhed as if I had been given a mild electic shock.

I walked in, took off my shoes, and put them at the corner, exactly where I've always left them.

We didn't talk, he leered, and I
cringed inside. Typical **, this is what he always does to turn me on.

I walked to the sofa, sat down and smiled.

'So tell me, are you happy to see me?'

I didn't know what to answer that, I'm still busy finding a way to keep the butterflies in my stomach at bay.

'Yes.' I purred.

He smiled.

'What about you, are you happy to see me?' I asked

'Always. But listen, I don't think I can sleep yet, not after seeing you. Do you want to have a drink?'

'A drink might keep me awake,' I said, hating myself for sounding like an idiot.

'You sure?' He asked, and I was ridiculously flattered that he seemed a bit disappointed. I also knew that he wouldn't ask again.

'Okay,' I said, far more casually that I felt. 'Sounds good.'

I followed him downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

'Drinks time.' he announced as we sat ourselves down, and poured the wine.

'Cheers love.'

Each gulp calmed me, and I thanked the god of alcohol.

Again, the silent ensued, but alot of eye contact were made.

He looked at me with those dark delicious eyes for a moment, and then we were kissing each other. My hands on the back of his neck while he kissed mine, tugging at his short short hair with small, urgent fists.

'I don't want another moment in my life without you again.' I whispered.

2009-08-29T10:34:00.000+08:00

Spent 40bucks playing some shooting game in Plaza Singapore.
Pew pew pew. Shoot you to death!!!

Back in Penang.

2009-08-25T02:16:00.003+08:00

It's amazing how badly I can cry whenever I listen to this song. It used to make me really happy. It's always playing on repeat.. Now, it's just another song unmarked on my playlist, just like quite a few items I still don't want to burn. I don't want to get over you, not just yet.

It's sad. Or, I'm sad. I don't know what's bothering me, and I really, really, don't want to know. I know myself too well, I don't want tonight to turn into one of those nights when pills don't do anything. I just want to finish writing this and hopefully, sleep.

1.23am

And once again insecurities is taking over me.

I know I'm a complicated person, not that I like to be. And there is really nobody to blame why it is.

My first boyfriend used to tell me I made life more complicated than it already is, and after we broke up, I am sometimes horrified that his accusations might be true.

He's a good friend now, but he still teased that I'm sometimes like a dog that circles and bites its own tail, not knowing I was only making myself more miserable.

Oh well.

Thoughts of you had once again inflicted my heart tonight, and the question is, are you thinking of me too?

I still miss you, and that's exactly what my problem is..

*lovesick*

( A little humor before I go)

2009-08-23T11:34:00.008+08:00

Like I mentioned a few posts back, I turned 20 exactly one month ago. And the age thing doesn't bother me, really.

I'm broke, single, creatively and sexually frustrated at the age of 20!!!!

FOCUS! Terry, FOCUS!!!

1. Get a job related to photography.
2. Really, get a job.
3. Get out of Penang, far far away from Penang!!!!
4. Find a publisher.
5. Oh, find a RELIABLE publisher!
6. Find love.
7. Romance and not mindless.
8. Find someone who shares the same sexual appetite.
9. And of course, he can only shag me and only me.
10. Find a cheap flight to Melbourne on October.

(Hong Kong-ing)

Very cheesy, I know. :)

2009-08-20T21:45:00.001+08:00

you need truth, you need proof,
and I don't need any of that?

I surrender,
I can't do this anymore.

fuck you, fuck you!!

2009-08-16T22:38:00.000+08:00

A. Jenny is back from the U.K.
And what a lovely gift :)

And I never thought I'd need this this soon :(
First sign of manhood, they say.

Ahhh. Nothing to write la... Goodnight

2009-08-15T15:57:00.000+08:00

Kids nowadays.
I'm so speechless,
but abit flattered.

2009-08-12T12:49:00.000+08:00

I was online chatting happily in my cousin's place. And I heard 'BAM' and 'BAM' and 'BAM'. I walked to the balcony and looked down, wondering what kinda drama is going on up there.

I stood there for less than 5 seconds ran in, start screaming.

Need I say more?

I hope they rest in peace.

* chanting chanting chanting *

2009-08-08T23:46:00.002+08:00

It has been nothing but depressing depressing rain these few days.

And oh God, I've been trying so hard to quit smoking. People are telling me there's no point, and people are telling me it won't happen. But I'm progressing really well :)

Got really drunk last night, and woke up this morning with a major hangover.

I miss sex, I love sex, I mean, who doesn't? And for 'those people' out there who actually accuse me for being a whore, fuck you cause that's fucking bollocks. Sex is a way I show love, it's a way I show my passion for that someone. Sex is not just sweaty moments thumbling and fumbling on bed, it's suppose to be something special you do with someone you love, and someone you want to see happy.

Not everybody has to love me or even like me. I don't necessarily like everybody I know, so why should everybody else like me? Don't get me wrong, of course I enjoy being liked and loved, but if somebody doesn't like me, I will still be fine. I cannot possibly make someone like me, any more than someone can get me to like them.

I'm just tired.. Tired of getting up in the middle of the night crying, tired of thinking so much about you.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself, have you given me any reason to love you? 'Cause you know what, I look in the mirror and I saw someone who deserve better, I don't deserve to be suffering because of you. I don't deserve this. I'm fucking tired, of crying and not having you around to dry my tears. Fuck you and your midlife crisis. I know myself, I know what I'm capable of giving, it's your lost. I have lost too much, and I'm done. I have never once said this but I wished you never walked into my life. You have brought me nothing but misery. I loved you, but I doubt if you loved me. 'Cause if this drama is love to you I feel sorry for your previous lovers. And before you even say a word to defend yourself like you always do, shut the fuck up, remember I needed you but you pissed off.

I'm tired of saying sorry, about the same fucking thing happened fucking 6 months ago, give it a fucking rest would you? Fuck frenchs.. I loved you, you say sorry.

2009-08-07T22:37:00.000+08:00

Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares to you

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try to have fun
No matter what you'll do
But he's a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

Beautiful beautiful song.

Heard it on the radio when I was walking home. Came home and download it straight away, the lyrics are simply amazing. Very sad I know.

I turned 20 two weeks ago, some people are making a big deal out of it but it never bothered me that much.

I'm still young enough to stay up all night, but old enough look down on younger people, hehehe. All the uncertainties of my teenage years are finally over, but the poverty still remains lol.

I just hope the sap would stop rising.

Twenty should be a good birthday. One of the best.

I celebrated my big two with a collection of my close laughing friends in a restaurant. Took alot of pictures, but our dear Penny lost her camera after she dropped me at the airport. So no pictures :(

And a very special thank you to that someone who made the effort to make my 20th birthday more romantic. Thank you, thank you but you made me feel so deprived now. Kisses.

I was going through folders and folders of pictures taken when I was in KL. And nearly cried looking at them, I miss my friends in kl, and I miss the life in KL. The 10pm to 5am karaoke sessions, the going-to-work-looking-like-zombie, the weekends... Ahhhh....

I'm trying very hard to quit ciggies, VERY! I got a carton on my birthday and I only have one deck left now, what date is it?! Urghhhh.. Give me something better to suck on!

The clock is ticking, just eleven more days.

Missing you Baby.

2009-08-06T19:53:00.006+08:00

Don't ask me why,
don't ask me how.

Don't tell me it looks good,
cause it doesn't.

I miss my hair, I miss my messy messy hair.

My life here is dull, really dull. But thank God I've been traveling quite a bit. It's been almost 2 months anyways, I'm adapting.

Liliana Katio, an old friend whom I've not seen in ages. We met up a few days ago and we had a small shoot in her home. Here's my fav shot from that day -

And like I said, my life here is very dull. I spent most of my free time with Photoshop. I'm now using CS4, I got the Master Collection for free :) And not to mention Photoshop is now made easier for me thanks to my new 24inch iMac.

Nick Endres, shot him when I was in Singapore. He's an actor from Los Angeles. I know I suck when it comes to shooting guys and I always wonder why, I mean, I love men! But I prefer shooting something more feminime.

For now, I'm giving all my attention to my Follie.

Toodles.

I don't know much,
but I know I love you,
and that may be all I need to know.
- Linda Ronstadt

2009-08-04T23:27:00.004+08:00

Quit Terry, QUIT!

2009-08-02T20:09:00.004+08:00

oh for christ's sake,
get me outta here!!

2009-07-27T21:09:00.002+08:00

so happy,
but uninspired.

2009-07-20T21:21:00.001+08:00

I'm sitting here, and tears are piling up.. And as thoughts of you run through, a tear rolls down my cheek. Sometimes, on a night like this, I sit down outside and look at the stars. Twinkle in the sky and I wonder why, I wonder why.. I wonder, why am I still alive?

And if I'm dead, would anyone care enough to cry?

I want to try, and I hope I'm brave enough to try. The razor is so inviting, and that ledge is so warm. And I wonder why I can see myself happy in that sunless land.

Before anything, don't think there's something wrong with me, don't tell me I need help. You don't understand me, and you don't understand what I'm about. You haven't seen things I have, you don't know where I've been.

So before you tell me how to feel, perhaps you should try and look into the life I'm living, and not at the life that I've got.

It's nature's to give, and mine to not live.

My time on this earth was intolerable, and my mark isn't blazed or engraved. I don't want it to remain. I want to disappear off the face to the earth, and I want only the wind to remember me.

2009-07-16T20:41:00.001+08:00

I love you, and you know that,
don't you?

2009-07-13T02:52:00.000+08:00

Had a nice shower, put on my pink boxer, switch on the TV, and crawl into bed. How nice, I thought, until a phone call came and it was Lincoln, telling me he’s arriving at my place in 10minutes and he’s got a surprise for me.

For Christ’s sake, I’m wearing a pink boxer with polka-dots and my house is a complete mess!

The doorbell rang, and he was standing there with a few shopping bags and a gift box. And I wonder what the fuck he’s up to this time.

I helped him with the shopping bags and found salad, meat and a bottle of wine.

‘Australian style red-meat, celebrating your birthday tonight’,’ he said.

Then I remember, he’s leaving back to Melbourne on Thursday. I was sitting there watching him cook, and I have no idea what ‘Australian style red-meat’ is lol. Then, I was asked to put on some candles and play some music, something romantic.

I lighted some candles, and played some of my favorite from Norah Jones, and he found it too depressing, but that’s all I got. We ended up listening to Michael Buble, and I added all time favorite song – One & Only by Teitur.

So there I was, sitting there wearing T-shirt and boxers, while he’s feeding me. I’m never really a big fan of red meat, but whatever he did to it, he did well.

I’m still curious about the gift box though, I knew it was for me.

And the moment came, he handed me the gift box, and I was practically tearing the box apart.

In it was two Ralph Lauren Bears, the kind I’ve always like. And I was jumping like a little boy.

I got my first birthday gift, well, it’s not even my birthday yet until the 22nd.

Just before you guys start to think that I’m having some sort of romantic relationship going on with Lincoln, we’re just friends, and we’ll always stay that way. He knew I always like stuffs like that, I mean, who doesn’t? I'm single, but I'm hopelessly devoted to someone.

Ahhh, the best thing about tonight is, I don’t have to clean up the mess in the kitchen, nor the house.

How lovely.

I’m going to bed, with a smile as big as the sky. Love you long time, Lincoln.

Goodnight, lovely lovely readers!

I really miss you, that's the problem.

2009-07-07T04:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes the whole story replays in my mind like a movie when thoughts of you inflicted my heart. I never thought thinking of someone would hurt this much, I never thought missing someone is so tearful, but on this not very special day, the seven letters that spells your name is taking over everything, everything.

‘Man & Boy’.

A book I started months and months ago but have yet to finish, and it has been sitting on my bed-stand for awhile. With a glass of white wine, I sat in bed and read.

As I was flipping through pages of heart-breaking words, a ticket fell out.

I put the book down and sat in bed, staring at the ticket. I don’t have any courage to pick it up at first, but eventually, I did. And I know I’d cry.

It’s the first ticket you bought me, my first trip to see you, a trip I want to forget, also a trip I’d never forget.Now, I remember. I remember I started this book when I was on my way to see you. And I remember I was also holding it when our eyes met. I was awkward and goofy, couldn’t find the right thing to say when inside I’m screaming.

I was on Chapter Thirty-two that night. Sitting on the black leather sofa, sipping wine. And there you are, sitting on the floor, totally engrossed with the television.

I wasn’t concentrating on the book at all, my eyes were glued to your beautiful face.

I poke you with my feet, then try to look away, and I poke you again.

Next, we were making love deep into the night, and it was insatiable.

Tonight, I have finished the book, but where are you my love? Where are you?

Sigh..

With the third glass of wine came tears, with the fourth nausea, and with the last drip of the bottle, sleep.

2009-06-29T23:28:00.005+08:00

My mouth felt dry and I could hardly feel my teeth. The second thing I noticed when I woke up this morning was how much my head hurts.I felt like shit.

Forgetting my thumping head, I recalled what happened the night before, I remember how loud the thunder was, and how I woke up screaming as if I saw a ghost. I remember the electricty went off, and yes the worst thing that could've happen, was happening. I was alone in the dark.

No doubt, last night might be one of the most miserable nights in my life, I remember crying myself to sleep, and I know clearly, slumber took over me only when the sun is shining.

These days, every night seemed to last forever. Nights that tore into me and ripped out every little hope I have left in me, nights that bore deep into my soul and brought out thoughts I never thought existed.

Oh well.

I noticed I have not been putting photos on my blog, and I have not been even updating my own photos. Nothing much has changed, my hair is dyed black, and cut short. And is it true that sexual frustration gives you pimples???

Whatever the answer is I'm having a few now :3

And yes, I had a very very spontaneous photoshoot with some friends. I don't have much to show cause I only retouched one.

One of the loudest people I have met in my life - Calene Ooi.

Baby Zoey's first period!

2009-06-25T14:41:00.001+08:00

It’s funny how things can stir up thoughts about you. And it always happens in the strangest places. Here I am, sitting in the garden, staring at the sky, thinking of you. I tried to look for the brightest star tonight, so I could make a wish. And you know, I wish for nothing but to have you here with me.

Memories are a terrible thing, sometimes. They pop up at the worst times, like a ghost on my shoulder. I can be laughing at something on television and then I’ll think of how hard you‘d laugh. What hurts more than knowing you’re not around is that I keep thinking you’re probably somewhere watching the same thing I am but with someone else.

I kept thinking, I keep wishing, that one day, you'd be here with me. My bed is empty, except for me, but I want it filled with another body, your body. An arm draped across my shoulder, two heats mingling underneath the sheets, soft tickling on my neck. Just the comfort and feeling of safety that I have when I was with you.
My bed is empty except for me, so could you fill it, by lying next to me?

[Sorry, I have been extremely busy balancing my life after a few emotional meltdown, back now :) ]

2009-06-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

Tonight, the wind whispers your name once again.
An image of you is now spinning in my head.

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight,
nor why do I suddenly miss you so much.
Asking myself,
Why do I want to be with you so much
Even though we haven't seen each other
Or let our hands touch

What do you do..
When bitter tears are all that's left for you?
Do you look forward or do you take a step backward?
I don't know, I really don't know.
Life is like an open book, that not many knows how to read,
I look through the pages of my life, and found many,
many stains of bitter tears.
And I no longer have any power to stand alone anymore.

2009-05-25T18:39:00.002+08:00

Okay, I'm getting better :)

I'm sitting here waiting anxiously for my Penny Baby to arrive, and she's gonna be feeding me grapes while I pretend to be Cleopatra :)

I can't wait.

2009-05-24T13:11:00.004+08:00

I kept telling myself, that I'm capable of taking care of myself,
but the truth is, I need, I need someone to take care of me.
I thought I'd start to be more independent if I keep reminding myself I am.
But now, I am sitting here, my body aches as if I just fell off a cliff, and my fever is still high, and I'm feeling more miserable than I have ever felt this year.

I don't like to be sick.
I'm already a baby to start with, and even more a baby when I'm sick.
I cry, and cry, and cry, for what I do not know.
And thanks to that stupid stupid doctor,
my ass still hurts from his stupid stupid injection.

HELP!! I'm in serious need of some tender loving care :(

2009-05-17T03:25:00.000+08:00

Hello!

It's quite tough, knowing that I have troubled sleep and still forcing myself to wake up at 6 in the morning since yesterday. I haven't been eating much, fasting for 2 days and I can't wait for tomorrow to come when I can finally put something non-vegetarian in my tummy. I'm never a fan of veggies, they are always known as poison to me since young. It's spiritual stuff, so, oh well. It was a week ago when I really decided to give up smoking, not because of health of whatsoever but I just felt that, I needed to quit. I'm still smoking though, but I have cut down alot, too much for a chain-smoker I mean. I'm giving myself a few more week to cut it off completely. I'm taking up piano classes for the first time, something I've been wanting to do for awhile.

I gave up on ANTM, after they announced the winner a few days ago, you don't need a rocket scientist to figure what Tyra Banks is up to, it's written on her face that a black girl is gonna win this cycle. I got myself hooked on Australia's Next top Model instead lol. And Jez Smith is too hot. I'm sure everyone has already watch Lord of The Rings before, right? And believe it or not, I only started to watch a few days ago because of my obsession with Dominic Monaghan. Hot stuff. If you don't know the 2 guys mentioned above, google!

I have to say I have been enjoying Penang more than I thought I would, I spend most of my days out with my friends, and I have been eating too much durians recently. But as the sun goes down, in the silence of the night, I sit alone in the garden, staring at the sky, wanting to wish upon the star. It was then, I heard my heart weeping, only then, my empty soul screams. I have tried, so hard, not to frown in front of anybody. And I'm still trying very hard to deal with the guilt, to deal with nights when I can't fucking sleep because I wish you were here holding me. Tell me what to do, tell me what to say.. You know I never wanted this, you know I want you, and you know, you have to know, I miss you.

Here I am now, on bed spending some quality time with baby Zoey. I met a 'long-time-no-see; friend a few days ago and I took some shots for her, so yeah finally, I'm doing something productive.Very sorry about the late updates, I'm relying on neighbor's connection so yeah, I don't get lucky everyday.

For now, I'm gonna go watch TV and get my mind off food! I'm so hungry I could eat a pig now. Till then, have a good night sleep everyone.

2009-05-08T14:26:00.005+08:00

Shop, shop, shop and I drop.

I've been back for almost a week, and I'm back to black. I have to say I am never comfortable with colored hair. I cut my hair, again, and now I look like a kid :)

Missing you.
I'm tasting nothing but 4 words - I really miss you.

2009-05-04T16:37:00.002+08:00

Haven't been posting much recently, haven't even been getting good sleep :(

I spent my weekend here in Singapore walking around Chinatown with Auntie Jenny, and yes if you know who she is, she enjoys food. And I am bloated.

Last week was pretty frustrating for me, I went back to KL to pack my stuffs and all, and landlord told me I gave him a short notice and he would not pay me back my deposit. Which is bullshit cause I gave him a month's notice and that's good enough, and we didn't agree or sign anything at the first place. And now he's fabricating stories and also, trying to make my life miserable. Oh friend, being offensive doesn't show any strength. You know who you are better than anyone else, and you have a pretty bad background of not returning tenant's deposit.

I'm going back to Penang tonight, and I can't wait to bring baby Zoey for another walk. A very good friend is coming back, and I can't wait to see her, and of course I can't wait to redecorate my home.

I'm missing my friends in KL, I miss the way Teng tease me, I miss Siew Lee, she never fails to put a smile on my face. And, I'm really gonna miss our karaoke sessions. Lincoln, who is always there when I need someone. Many more names to go, but I'm gonna skip it for now. I'm the luckiest guy on earth to have met these people I must say.

For now, I'm gonna go pack, and start a new quest to find Terrence Seah.

Toodles.

2009-04-30T01:31:00.000+08:00

Je vous manque et vous savez que je vous veux...

2009-04-28T20:03:00.003+08:00

like a flower, waiting to bloom,
like a lightbulb, in a dark room,
i'm just sitting here, waiting for you to come here and turn me on.

2009-04-27T02:20:00.005+08:00

It’s almost 3am as I sit here alone in the dark, very windy outside, I can hear the melancholy lullaby from the wind chime. I’m very unfamiliar with this place, I guess deep down I still wish to be sharing the same bed with you instead of me sharing it with nobody tonight.

The clock is ticking, the wind chime is singing, my heart is beating rapidly, my mind is filled with you, you, and nobody else.

I know myself better than anyone else, I know I’m capable of being sneaky, and resourceful but now, I know the truth will help, may not be immediate, but I believe it works.

You know who you are, and you know I miss you.
Can we put aside the ego and try to work things out?

2009-04-21T15:33:00.000+08:00

Ah, I forgot how it felt to wake up at 8am until today, I'm packing my bags, removing photos from the wall, and soon, I'll be gone for good. It's not something I need to do, but it's something I want to do for my own sake.

I have been writing alot lately, mostly sad stuff. I guess I needed that, I need to get it off my chest, and it's nothing that I want to talk about in front of my friends. I'm planning to travel after I leave KL, I'm planning to visit Lisa in Jakarta, I'm planning to go for an adventure in Sabah, and since a good friend of mine just quit his job, I have a feeling I won't be lonely. I'm going to Singapore with Fanny one of these weekends, hopefully Evon can organize her stuff so she could join.

Sometimes, I just wanna, get away... Like you know, go to a secluded little island, and just stay there for a month or two with no internet or phone calls. Some time for myself... Ahh...

I'm very tired and I'm missing you...

2009-04-20T12:58:00.000+08:00

Lying in bed, on my right side, facing the wall, almost touching it... The immaculate hotel room represents my life, it felt empty.

Tired from the day, tired from my mind driving me crazy.
I close my eyes, planning to just wait till I fall asleep. Then all of a sudden, I can feel the blanket slowly leaving my back, it’s being lifted. A hand moves up from the bottom of my white t-shirt and rests itself on my stomach. The cold air against my back is being replaces by the heat of flesh. The hand rubs against my tummy softly and there’s a head placing itself on top of my shoulder.

My eyes open wide as I hear a voice, your voice: ‘I love you.’ Can this be true? Are you really here? I want to turn around to see that beautiful face of yours and be certain that you are really here. but I'm scared, I’ve known my mind for too long already, its probably just another one of it’s tricks. ‘I love you too.’ I can hear myself say. Why am I responding to you? If I so strongly believe that you're not here? I close my eyes...

I can feel the blanket fall down against my back. You're gone. I can feel tears forming in my eyes as they are still closed. I sit up straight, my blanket falling down to my waist as I do so. I then pull my legs up, wrapping my arms around them, looking for some comfort. Even though you aren't there, it still feels like I just sort of lost, you...

My eyes open wide again. There’s a warmth on my right shoulder, it’s your hand. Seeing me sitting there, being pathetic like that, you must have felt like comforting me too. I feel how you’re sitting right behind me and you pull me against your chest. For a second I want to drop my head back against your shoulder, but I can’t, you're not real. I feel the tears in my eyes piling up until one rolls down my cheek.

I pull myself forward a little, not wanting to feel you behind me anymore because I know it isn’t real. You aren’t really there and no matter how clear I can hear your voice, how amazing I feel the warmth of your embrace. It’s all just a lie, just a trick my mind is playing as it always does.

You aren’t there...

I fall down on my back, not in the mood to pull my blanket back up so just letting it stay at my waist, and I again just lay there, waiting for slumber to take over me.

I miss you.

2009-04-17T14:27:00.003+08:00

It's Friday, and I am not feeling any better, on and off fevers.
I have visited the doctor, a very costly one and yet, it doesn't help.
I have been sleeping in alot, there are moments when I wake up feeling better,
and there are moments I woke up wishing I'm dead.

I lost my voice,
and I don't get to join my friends for our usual karaoke sessions, ohwell.

Ed spent the night with me last 2 nights, when I was sick enough to cry like a baby,
and not knowing what I'm crying for.

____________

I have so many things to sort out now, there are things that bothers me so much deep inside, but I just can't seemed to do anything about it if you constantly have to put me on the bad side, accusing me. I miss you, and I wish, I could talk to you.
And I hope you know who you are.

I'm moving out from KL, and this room is gonna be empty so if there's anyone out there looking for nice room to rent, contact me.

terrence.sep@gmail.com

Would love to write more, and post some photos, but I'm too weak now. I might not be writing for awhile, but will do as soon as I can.

Toodles.

一種念頭在心中萌芽著
外面的雨打在窗口

一直夢到你說受夠了我
我也不要這樣承受

2009-04-15T20:12:00.001+08:00

For the first time in 2009.
I'm having a high fever, I lost my voice, I can't stop sneezing, I puke whatever I eat and why the hell am I crying?!